I'm fat. I have been fat for a long time. I wish I could be one of those women who feel empowered and beautiful at any size, but I'm not. I'm working on it.
Recently I got blood work done at a routine physical and it came back that my blood sugar is high, which means I am on the path to diabetes. I know what healthy living looks like, my parents always exercised and ate well. I know I have unhealthy habits, but for whatever reason I can never bring myself to make a change for longer than a couple months at a time. My weight fluctuates, leaving me with new stretch marks every time, and exacerbated anxiety and depression, but something in me hasn't allowed me to take this information and make a permanent positive change.
I'd like to say my blood work is enough evidence of my unhealthy lifestyle to get me active and eating impeccably, but my relationship with food and my body is complicated. It is something I am ever navigating and trying to reconcile. There have been plenty of moments I was convinced would be THE moment I learned to exist at a healthy weight effortlessly, but there has been no magic circumstance. Not even my approaching wedding day is a sufficient motivator.
Today I am in a place where I am much kinder and more forgiving to myself than I used to be, but it's a messy and imperfect journey. That's something I struggle with - imperfection. If my food gets crazy or I start to slack on my exercise routine, I self sabotage.
Finally recognizing this pattern is my first step to an evolution of my health.
Not only do I need to get healthy to reverse my high blood sugar, but I need a hard reboot on my mental health as well. It's not easy for me to be a plus size woman. My size is at the back of my mind 100% of the day. The intentions of every person I encounter runs through a "is it because I'm fat?" filter. Logically, I know this is insane, but there are so many insane ideas woven deeply within me. Cutting them loose takes time.
Admittedly, at times I silently resent my female friends who can find clothes that fit them literally anywhere. I don't want to feel this way, but existing in a world that mostly thinks you're too large to be respected, considered beautiful, or even worthy of clothing takes its toll on you. That's why it's such a triumph when companies that you've dreamt of being able to wear release plus lines. You finally feel like you exist.
When Forever 21 started to offer plus sizes, I was thrilled. I started shopping there when I was 19. I was smaller then than I am now, but even at a size 10 I was only able to fit in larges depending on the cut of the garment. The plus line is far from perfect - a lot of the prints and designs are downright hideous and there are probably a quarter of the options available to straight sizes. This is just a fact of plus size fast fashion though, be it Forever 21, ASOS, or H&M. I take what I can get.
This year, Forever 21 launched an activewear line in both straight and plus sizes. I had actually been on the hunt for new activewear in my size. The two pairs of yoga pants and oversized band tees weren't cutting it. I wanted to feel cute on my walks, hikes, and jogs, god damnit! So when I found out Forever 21 had activewear in my size, I had to check it out.
